


I'm outta here

by Qtya



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Under the Red Hood
Genre: Angst, Hurtsalot, dontask, probablyhurtsonlyme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 01:24:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11749203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qtya/pseuds/Qtya
Summary: Only one word: statement





	I'm outta here

**Author's Note:**

> This is not really a fic.

I don't know how to heal myself.

 

And I don't want to keep trying.

 

I'm sick. I know that much. I am not...whole. And what's left of me? It's twisted, ruined, I live with the results of a damaged system's desperate attempts to repair itself, but with too many missing parts and too much injuries, it's just a fucking mess at the end.

 

I am a fucking mess.

 

I know that. I never even needed others to rub that into my face.

 

I knew that. So....I tried (I tried so hard!!) to do something about it. I tried to be a better person. And when I realized I'm too deep into the darknes.....I tried to make the most of it. Using.....myself as a tool, to do something good. At the end, you know....

 

Making my life valuable somehow. Anyhow.

I tried so hard.

 

I knew I saw the world's many parts, which not many people could wish -ever- to see.  
I thought....I knew all that....Why not use that knowledge? Why not....protect others from the most fucked-up things this world could offer...? Eh?

 

I did many horrible things. I was the bad guy for so long, for so many!!!

But not many of them ever figured out....that I was the smaller evil.....What I did...What I showed them.....

 

God.....I know many of them would never forgive me....But I made them **think**! I made them realize things, I made them see things, so they made good decisions. They could make those good decisions, because they got what they got from me.

Many of them never realized the trick. They just....ran away from trouble, from danger, they hadn't even known about (and they never would) – and cursed me.

For them......real horror would never exist.

Only the version I meant for them.

 

After awhile it became too much.

I needed something...or somebody. Maybe I should be ashamed for this....? I dunno.

I needed a new path.

 

I tried to search for.....something. Not a way out! No. There is no such thing for me. And definitely not for something like....redemption.

But I needed to get better.

I wanted to get better.

 

I fought so hard, with myself, with my thoughts! I tried so many things....

 

I taught myself so many things. Good thoughts. Nice sentences. I fabricated method after method to...tune my brain to something....better.

 

 

_Nothing_ helped.

 

 

I tried leaving. Traveling. Learning new things....I tried to hide myself (from myself) and get a new life. A new beginning! New people, who didn't know anything about me from earlier.

I wanted to get a chance.

 

 

I wanted to see....in somebody else's eyes.....a person....who has a good life, a good job, good friends, good laughs...good aims....love.......  
See all that when that somebody looks at _me_. 

 

 

 

 

_I think I don't deserve that._

 

 

 

 

I don't know how to heal myself. I just cannot see a way.

 

And I'm done with trying.....

 


End file.
